In honor of my [insert L word here] for my celebrity crush, "10 Things I Hate About You" and "Secret World of Alex Mack" star Larisa Oleynik, I have devised a "30 Things I Know About You" list concerning the first two weeks of the NFL's preseason.

• Erin Andrews is so hot. Oops my bad, sorry, forgot this is the NFL.

• See the Patriots listened to me last week. Why make Tom Brady throw 55 times? They have Laurence Maroney (as do I on 3 of my fantasy teams).

• I can’t wait for SportsCenter tonight. Over/under of how many times we hear about T.O. playing in Philly and A-Rod/Joe Torre getting sent out of New York? I’m guessing 4 million.

• Matt Leinart is a stud. Happy retirement party Kurt Warner.

• Taking bets ... which ‘O-for’ team: Tennessee, Oakland, Tampa Bay or Detroit will be the last squad to pick up a ‘w’? I’m going to go with the Raiders.

• Poor Brett Favre. But more importantly, poor Packers fans.

• The Jets got “Jacked” up. And this is coming after last week’s performance when they almost beat the Colts.

• Hmmm, Deuce McAllister rushes for 123 yards and a score. Yeah he’s worthless, right?

• LaVar Arrington congratulations. You made a tackle. Can you please stop celebrating?

• Eagles cheerleaders are definitely the hottest in the NFL.

• Game of the Week in Week 6: Eagles @ Saints. Match-up of two 4-1 teams, both with exciting offenses and surprisingly decent defenses.

• Washington Redskins offense : : Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
  ...is to...
  Erin Andrews : : Hot.

• New network coming soon to Comcast cable customers: ESPN Ochenta Uno. Terrell Owens coverage all the time, 24-7. Much better than the “Ocho.”

• If you haven't heeded my advice already ... pick up Reggie Williams ASAP!!! He's a stud.

• Here’s a few questions. Ask the Panthers how much they missed Steve Smith. Ask the Redskins how much they miss Shawn Springs. Ask the Texans how stupid they feel missing out on the opportunity to draft Reggie Bush.

• Daunte Culpepper. Oh that was a good pick-up.

• Nice Joe Salave'a made three tackles, before getting hurt again. I just bought his jersey last week. C'mon Joe.

• I bet those who hate the game of baseball are irate when Fox keeps bringing up MLB promos during games and MLB Game Breaks and such.

• Art Shell, why did you come back?

• You too Kurt Warner...

• Same goes for you Mike Martz.

• Watching the Oakland @ San Francisco game is like watching a Kansas City Royals @ Tampa Bay Devil Rays game. At least in the KC-TB game, I get to see a fat Devil Rays fan heckling the Royals.

• It's about freaking time they came out with another Geico "caveman" commercial. One of those cavemen really looks like Edge (from WWE).

• Oh I can't wait to watch the guy with the mustache for ESPN, whose only job is to cover T.O. It's pretty much like Peter Gomez only job is to cover Barry Bonds. "Oh so, Barry Bonds took a dump today. Then he went to batting practice and then took some steroids. He had chicken Teriyaki for dinner."

• Daryl Johnston really needs to shut the hell up. All he does is whine. How can Dick Stockton or Tony Siragusa put up with him?

• We missed the kickoff of the Steelers-Chargers game, because NBC was showing slow motion highlights of Terrell Owens shaking hands with a security guard and boarding the team bus. He dropped a lollipop on the way and the cameraman had a great close up of him picking it up. Very breathtaking stuff.

• Why does everyone sweat the power blue Chargers jerseys?

• Oh no the Steelers lost. Cue the Bench Big Ben threads on Pittsburgh message boards.

• Ravens-Broncos game is about to start. Cue the gay Ray Lewis pre-game dance.

• Playing in that weather in Denver on Monday Night Football ... you gotta love sports.

You can reach Doug McKinney @ dmckinney@featurepresentationonline.com.

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Doug McKinney
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